A Chama Violeta (The Violet Flame)

Have you ever felt stuck between wanting to accept a situation but also yearning for something more? It’s a struggle I’ve personally grappled with.

On the one hand, we’re taught that true peace comes through acceptance. ‘Let go’ is something we often hear. Yet on the other hand, self-help and motivational practices tell us to ‘go for it’, to ‘attract the things we want’, and that if we focus on our goals, we can achieve them.

Surely both things can’t be true. Or have we just misunderstood the concepts altogether?

I thought I’d explore this subject because it’s a knot I’ve frequently felt myself tied in. For a start, acceptance is often misunderstood as complacency or resignation, but it’s more nuanced than that. Here’s a few thoughts that might help you untangle your thinking.

Understanding Acceptance

What it means: Acceptance is about acknowledging reality as it is, without resisting or denying it. It’s about saying, “This is what is happening right now.”

What it doesn’t mean: Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean you approve of the situation or that you don’t want things to change. It simply means you see things as they are happening now without letting your emotions distort your perception.

Resistance is futile

If you can’t change something right now, then resisting it will cost a lot of energy and peace. When you stop resisting something, it can significantly reduce any stress and anxiety you feel and will free up some headspace. It will help you feel more present and help you think more clearly and creatively.

The extra headspace might help you see something from a different perspective, which is sometimes what’s needed.

If you want a situation to change, then being present and thinking clearly is what you want, not feeling bogged down in frustration and anxiety that comes because you’re resisting it.

Acceptance vs. Wanting Something Better

This is the bit that most people get tangled up in so let’s unpack a few ideas.

1. Acceptance is Not the Same as Giving Up

Practical Example: If you’re stuck in traffic, accepting the situation means acknowledging that you’re in traffic and that you can’t change the situation.

It doesn’t mean you don’t want the traffic to clear. It doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t prefer to be moving freely. It’s simply an acknowledgement of the present situation without resistance to it.

Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do to change this situation right now?” If the answer is no, then you can still take charge of what you’re thinking or doing. And that’s not the same as giving up.

Something I’ve found to be really helpful in situations like this is to think, “I wonder how relaxed I can make myself here, despite what is happening.” Now a frustrating situation has become a personal challenge. Can I use this to achieve relaxation? The situation now feels completely different. And that can make all the difference.

You can still desire a change: You can accept that you are currently in traffic while still desiring and working towards finding a better route or improving your commute in the future.

2. Acceptance and Action

Action-Oriented: Acceptance can be the first step towards change. It seems like a paradox but change often evolves out of acceptance. Acceptance of a situation usually results in a reduction in negative emotions, including stress, and this helps you see things more clearly. It means you’re better able to more clearly assess it and make informed decisions about how to improve it.

Practical example: If you’re struggling with your finances, accepting the situation means acknowledging it and recognising that having a clear mind is a better option than railing against it. Acceptance is an intentional act.

As before, it doesn’t mean you don’t want a different, more abundant, situation. If solutions exist, then they’re more likely to present themselves when your mind is clear rather than stressed through denial or worry.

Ask yourself if there’s anything you can do to change the situation. If there is – perhaps seeking advice or taking concrete steps – then focus on those actions rather than staying trapped in frustration.

If there isn’t (right now! – because things change, and solutions often present themselves at different times) then seek a way of thinking that can help. “Is it possible for me to use this situation to learn, grow, or change?” for example. It’s about finding some sort of focus that will help you stay present and not spiralling into stress and anxiety.

Empowerment: Acceptance is a power move. It empowers you to take control of what you can change, and that can mean changing how you’re thinking about the situation. Instead of being stuck in denial or frustration, you move into a mindset where you can plan and execute steps to achieve better outcomes, or where you are focused on self-improvement. And you can do it calmly.

Misconceptions about Acceptance

There are a few misconceptions that often confuse the power of acceptance. Let’s explore two of the most common ones:

1. Acceptance as Endorsement

Misconception: Some people believe that accepting something means endorsing it or agreeing that it’s the best possible scenario. Spiritually oriented teachings advise us to ‘Love what is.’

Reality: But loving-what-is is not the same as endorsing something as the best scenario. It’s simply acknowledging that it is the current scenario. And doing it calmly. Doing this gets rid of your resistance to it, and it is our resistance to situations that often keep us in those situations.

Acceptance is not about settling. It’s about dealing with what is real in the moment while still holding the desire for improvement. It’s not about whether a situation you find yourself in is the best or worst scenario. It just is what is happening right now. Acceptance gives you a clearer mind.

2. Acceptance as Passivity

Misconception: There is a fear that acceptance means becoming passive or inactive. A sort of damp resignation.

Reality: Acceptance is a power move. It’s an intentional act! True acceptance is active. It’s a conscious acknowledgement of the present and only then can you decide on the best course of action to achieve your goals.

If you want clarity, energy, and perhaps even more belief and motivation, it comes from acceptance first. The longer we resist acknowledging something for what it is – and that can mean acknowledging specific people for what they are – the longer we remain stuck.

Conclusion

Acceptance is a power move. It’s an intentional act. It is not passive. It is not a resignation to an inevitable outcome. It is simply a calm awareness of things as they seem to be right now, not an acknowledgment of a permanent state.

Acceptance recognises that all things change. It is the nature of things to change. Acceptance understands this and chooses not to resist. The power move is in understanding this, and that this mindset will help you access more creative and potent mental, emotional, and spiritual resources.

If solutions are needed, they’re more likely to come from this internal state than from a stressed one.

Acceptance is a power tool for reducing stress. As I said, it doesn’t imply that you are satisfied with the status quo or that you don’t want some improvement or change. It’s simply a conscious choice to face reality with clarity and then using that clarity to guide your actions instead of being bogged down by resistance or denial.

Acceptance is a conscious positive choice, not a passive resignation to a life that seems to be dictated by circumstances beyond our control.

So how will you use acceptance as your power tool today?