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I’ve just had a really powerful realization. But it’s going to sound so obvious that I’ve hesitated to share it.
I’d gotten it before at a superficial level. The difference lies in the intensity: I realized it, not simply thought about it or saw how I felt about it. This was not the intellectual level or the experiential level; this was the realizational level, which makes all the difference in the world.
It happened when I was writing an earlier article. (1) I found myself reflecting on what it is in the chaos of my life that has always asserted itself and driven me forward. What is the thread that runs through everything?
In a realization that was more like a thunderclap, I saw that the organizing thread that ran through my life was the desire to write, the desire to communicate whole thoughts in words. So: Not to discuss in real-time conversation, such as in interviewing people, getting a bit into the conversation before being interrupted and redirected. Not to star in videos and talk shows. I wanted to get my thoughts across so it needed to be the written word.
I didn’t have an idea of what to write, although that formed over the years, usually centering on patterns in behavior. But at an early age I was reading classics; later banging away on typewriters; then creating a bibliography with a box full of IBM punch cards; then creating computerized databases; always writing.
I have a signal with the Mother and Michael and, when I got writing as the unifying theme and central activity of my life, next to eating and sleeping – signals from both of them went off repeatedly.
The Mother even told me that writing about love was the promise I made to her eons ago:
Divine Mother: You have chosen long long ago with Me, with Annastara [my twin flame], with ME KI AL, to be a communicator and an agent of change.
You have said to me, “Mother, what if they forget? I will remind them. I will communicate with them through words, through my passion, through my heart, through my knowing. I will communicate the love to them.”
This is your task and it is a task of change as this planet, in this great chaos, in flux, chooses, yes, by this wonderful instrument of free will, … and as you choose to simply be the love. (2)
Even then, I did not get it down to my toes. It just wasn’t real to me.
I still didn’t go deeply enough into the matter. Now that I’ve been shown it at a vote-changing level, (3) I see that my commitment has always been to writing, and not to the various relationships I was in.
I won’t bother anyone else who thinks I might somehow be salvagable. I don’t want to be salvaged. I love my work and my mission. And now I’m unapologetic about it and freed up to focus on it. Having the peace and serenity to write would be my idea of heaven.
***
The consequence of having gotten this (i.e., realized it) is that I feel ever so much more grounded. I no longer look back on my life as chaos. I now see the chaos as the emergence of a writer from many (self-projected) barriers.
Which is handy when you hear Michael say: “On the list of things to do, let [writing] always be the last thing that falls off.” (4)
Now we’re talking.
I’d love to! We’re on the same page.
Or here again, when I asked him if he’d be OK if I kept up my awareness writing after taking up humanitarian philanthropy:
Steve: I know you want me to make the ultimate decision in matters of policy but, apart from that, if I carve out a lifestyle kind and attentive to the needs of awareness writing, are you alright with that? That’s really my first love.
AAM: I am over the moon with that! You can do the writing and I will do the art and music! (5)
The Aurora Borealis is one of his art projects.
How supportive. Every time I’ve mentioned my writing to him, he’s encouraged me.
***
Who knows? Maybe all the seemingly-adverse conditions I struggled with were to steel my resolve to do what I love. It’s the one thing in my life I haven’t strayed from, the one thing I’ve always taken with me, wherever I go.
Another consequence of realizing this: I no longer feel confused about my life. I’m clear about my desire, clear about why I developed along the lines I did, clear about what I’m doing and where I’m going. As I said once before, to use a fighter-pilot metaphor, I’m strapped into the seat I was born to occupy.
I feel grounded in my beingness. Gosh, you never know what’s missing until it shows up. I didn’t know I was confused and ungrounded. What a difference I feel.
And, AGAIN, there’s this paradox that has me split my sides laughing: How do you think I feel after this realization? I feel … normal.
I’ve been here before. Once, after doing huge amount of work in an enlightenment intensive, I emerged feeling … normal. Who would have expected that?
After all this work, I feel normal, calm, grounded, relaxed. Which says that how I’ve been feeling in this area possibly for most if not all of my life has been … not normal for a well-functioning human being.
Nothing to do. Just food for thought. Where else has my thought or behavior been … abnormal?
Footnotes
(1) See “What Unites Activists?” Aug. 25, 2024, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2024/08/25/what-unites-activists/
(2) Divine Mother in a personal reading with Steve Beckow through Linda Dillon, April 30, 2019.
(3) On changing one’s vote, see:
- “A Radical Change of Vote,” December 23, 2019, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2019/12/23/a-radical-change-of-vote/.
- “Binding Our Wounds; Changing Our Attitude,” August 9, 2024, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2024/08/09/binding-our-wounds-changing-our-attitude/
- “How Do I Change Myself?” August 5, 2020, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2020/08/05/312381/
- “Changed My Mind,” September 6, 2021, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2021/09/06/changed-my-mind/
- “Changing My Vote on Change,” January 25, 2023, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2023/01/25/changing-my-vote-on-change/
(4) Archangel Michael in a personal reading with Steve Beckow through Linda Dillon, Feb. 7, 2013. (Hereafter AAM.)
(5) AAM, Aug. 2, 2017. He’s always been the epitome of kindness.
Steve Beckow
